12 FOOD ALLERGY CONFESSIONS THAT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND ABOUT THANKSGIVING

Could it be that food allergy issues changed the Thanksgiving Tale? Perhaps that is indeed the case. On December 11, 1620, a bunch of British dissidents stuck on an old rickety boat hit a big boulder on the beach in Plymouth, MA thereby changing the course of history. These weary travelers looked forward to the promising prospect of building a new life free of food allergy issues and digestive insensitivities in a new nation founded on the notion that no Brit should ever again suffer from six months of motion sickness, six-hour hangovers, and stomach discomfort courtesy of the local bakery.

First, they fled to Holland after hearing that a baker in Amsterdam had figured out how to substitute corn for wheat flour. Although it sedated their stomachs, the corn bread’s tart taste and powerful mix with spirited libations proved to be too much for the journeymen. Alas, they contacted their drinking buddies in London, and asked them to fund a voyage to the New World in search of non-allergic grains. The leader of the pub club recognized the merit in their quest, as he too had come close to croaking a few times on the complementary peanuts served at Fuller’s bar, and his cousin had lost 40 pounds in the last year forgoing his shellfish appetite

So they all packed into a small sailboat, whose menu included a complementary vegan and food allergy compliant diet, and headed out for the new world. Forty-six of the one hundred and two passengers on board died during the voyage from protein deficiency, their plight further exacerbated by a brutally cold first winter. While trekking through the snow, they encounteredNative Americans who shared the same dietary restrictions, and consequently spent many a fortnight huddled with them around the campfire, feeding off bison and securing the next frontier to plant their most food allergy sensitive grains.

When the first year’s harvest rolled in, the vegetable stock, the free-range geese population, and the corn fields grew so plentifully, that to celebrate their ingenuity, they decided to round up all of the pilgrims and natives who had food allergy issues in the town. These consisted of the largest vegetarian, peanut-free, gluten-free, and GMO-free meal to celebrate. For three days, they feasted on pumpkin, berries, watercress, dried fruit, venison, plums, squash, corn, and geese, and downed it all down with fermented apple juice, dancing and singing to old English psalms in praise for the gift of no upset stomachs.

Because they had finally figured out how to live without the fear of continual food allergy reactions and inflated facial formation, the Thanksgiving feast would not again be repeated until June 1676, when the governing council of Charlestown, Massachusetts held one to celebrate their defeat over the native population. A hundred years later, George Washington proclaimed a national day of “thanks giving” to commemorate the colonists’ defeat over upset stomachs everywhere. Seventy years hence, President Lincoln declared the last Thursday of every November the national day of “Thanksgiving” to mark this occaision a Gettysburg nutritionist created a high-protein, vegan, gluten-free granola bars to show his Union troops his appreciation for having helped him win the Civil War.

Eventually, thanks to FDR, this celebrated day would become prequel for “American Consumerism day”. And so we pause… remembering that were it not for Thanksgiving, we would all need a lot fewer Gas-X to get us through each holiday season.

We hope you enjoy our version of a Food Allergy spoof on Thanksgiving.