DISCOVER HIDDEN SECRETS OF THE STORMTROOPERS SPECIAL DIET

STORMTROOPERS FOOD? IS THIS A PREMISE FOR ANOTHER STAR WARS MOVIE?
Stormtroopers special diets surrounding food takes a back seat to all the explosions and dramatic lightsaber duels.

(An open letter to J.J. Abrams, the Director of The Force Awakens)…, Congratulations. The earlyreviews on Star Wars VII are looking good and the Disney marketing merch machine is in full force. At this rate, you will have conquered this small planet by Christmas, faster than the aliens on ‘Independence Day’ (We need a sequel for Independence Day? Seriously, people!) Star Wars VIII and IX are already in the works. Can this studio empire be stopped?

Well, you know what they say if you can’t beat ‘em, then join ‘em…So before the ink dries on the script for Star Wars X, I, as Kitchology’s master, would like to make a bold suggestion, something a little more existentialist in nature, (and a lot more theatre of the absurd, if you’re keeping track)…

Food and Forks (spoon and knife optional)!

Think of this unique untapped marketing opportunity! The year is 2021, ‘Star Wars’ X and ‘Star Trek’ 7 are set for release. ‘Fast and the Furious’ 19 G Summit concerns over climate change are at an all time high! The challenge for acceptance of GMOs is being fought at the third world level., Food allergies are rampant, and audiences around the world are on special diets. So, let’s really get Chewy! (Ref. ‘Chewbaca’)

I’m talkin’ an all out galactical ‘Super Size Me’ ‘Hunger Games’ meets ‘Children of the Corn’ served up with some ‘Fried Green Tomatoes’ and ‘Ratatouille’ stuffed inside ‘Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs’ and wrapped in ‘Soylent Green’. (Gosh,there’s an endless supply of movies titles about food!)

Let me set the scene: In a far far away galaxy…100 years have passed since episode IX. Food has become the means through which the Newer Order (the Order that comes after the New Order…um, never mind) controls the galaxy. Years of turmoil have rendered commercial food transport nonexistent. Natural foods are on the way out. Some hoard, many starve.

I’m not done yet…Make the bad guys (aka dark side) be the food hoarders, (Jabba the Hut in VI, Salarc in VI). Their numbers are few and they’re only on a few space ships. Make the good guys (the light side) be the food liberators coming from desolate systems. It wouldn’t be the first time scavengers or second hand store shoppers are the heroes (IV, VI). They’re not only looking for the secret plan of a death star (only available on a USB stick evidently), but also, they’re looking for the right recipes and ready access to food. Sounds a little Hunger Game’ish (I, II, III-1 and III-2) except, they use light sabers.

Our heroes are a short order cook named Yroger, (Yroger has celiac, a longtime problem prevalent in that galaxy) and a plumber named Enival (Enival refuses to eat anything with animal proteins). They live on Naboo (I, II, III). While scavenging for gluten free pastries and lentils, they become caught up in a battle between the dark and light sides (it’s my fantasy, ok?). They feed on food in a self-locking dumpster. When they finally open it (which requires finding the passcode to pair their communicators with the dumpster- Bluetooth did not work), they are inside a spaceship full of stormtroopers who patrol the galaxy, going from planet to planet.

If Yroger and Enival are detected, they will be surely be killed (or eaten?). They have to hide and blend in. After several trials, they realize the only safe place for them is in the kitchen. They start cooking, slowly introducing new foods to the stormtroopers who appreciate this improvement from blended/cloned food to decent meals. They like the taste and they reduce their eczema (am I the only one who ever wondered why the uniform of stormtroopers’ uniforms were the way they were if not to cover a bad skin condition?). They and their ship become a source of renewal for the galaxy, subverting the Newer Order from the inside out (literally and figuratively, Proust again).

What a story! When pitching Kitchology, I often state, “When food is wellness, the cook is the solution”. What’s true here is also true in that galaxy far far away.

J.J. (cause we’re really on a first name basis by now, no?), this Star X — the Fork Edition — theme really gives us a chance to reexamine Endor (VI) and the Ewoks, (my personal pet peeve in the Star Wars universe, really, ‘cute’ cuddly human carnivores – what’s wrong with this picture?) too. .

Tatooine — Talk about a food desert! Who wants to drink blue milk anyway? It also begs the question; if you have an allergy to dairy then is milk from Banthas bad for you? Hoth (V), of course, has too much ice! Great place to preserve food, not to grow it.

Got more time? The plot, like Cantina stew, thickens…

Is food the best premise for another Star Wars movie? “What an incredible smell you’ve discovered.” (Reference Han Solo in the Death Star compactor scene) Of course, not! But how else are we going to be picked up by the SEO as the Star Wars marketing empire blasts back into the future at warp 10 (I mean, ‘Trek’) this week?

May the fork be with you! It’s always with me! How about you?

What will you be eating as the Force Awakens? See you at the movies!